it’s normal to have issues.

Most couples face challenges. Some may talk about it, some may avoid talking about it. But challenges are normal when you have two people with different personalities and backgrounds. Whether you’re just starting out, have been married decades, are in an LGBTQIA+ or neurodiverse relationship… issues can come down to common topics and themes: how you handle conflict, intimacy, parenting, money, in-laws, or division of labor, for example. Or maybe there is the presence of addiction, betrayal or abusive behaviors.

Regardless of what it is, it can be some of the most painful times of your life to struggle in your core relationship. It can feel lonely and scary.

The good news is that there are ways to work with these situations so you can get clarity, work toward healthier living and get to a peaceful place — whatever that looks like for you.

Your goals drive the work and I bring my training in the following areas:

1) Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — EFT is a humanistic, experiential approach to healing attachment wounds within a couple. This was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, and in 2015, I studied with Sue in San Diego. EFT looks at what the core emotion — or attachment longing — is behind the surface "fight" or disagreement. Oftentimes it's a cry for closeness, love, and acceptance. Please hear me, please don’t leave me, please come to me when I need you, please value me, please don’t crowd in on me, please don’t overwhelm me with your issues when I need you to tend to me. By unearthing these core needs, a person can see a different side to their partner. They see that the other one actually wants love from them, and vice versa. Oftentimes, though, instead of being able to ask for a need to be met, we criticize and get angry. EFT looks first at de-escalating the negative interactions to create a safe space to then risk sharing vulnerable emotions such as hurt and fear that then lead to attachment repair.

2) The Developmental Model for Couples — A developmental approach to understanding couples’ relationships involves looking at the lifespan of the relationship itself: from early infatuation and “limerance,” to disappointment and disillusionment, and then, hopefully, to deeper love and support for both individuals. It’s based on the work of Dr. Ellyn Bader and Pete Pierson. In 2019, I did a one-year intensive training in this model, led by Ellyn Bader. I love how it conceptualizes and normalizes the predictable growing pains of a relationship and challenges couples to “grow up together” as they move from symbiosis to interdependence.

3) Relational Life Therapy (RLT) — RLT is one of my favorite approaches as it provides a quick way to size-up some central dilemmas in a relationship based on self-esteem and boundaries, while weaving in formative forces from childhood. It also doesn’t assume all issues are 50/50 in a couple. This is based on the work of Terry Real. As of 2020, I have been training in RLT and have completed Levels 1 and 2, led by Terry Real. I appreciate how quickly and accurately it can get to the heart of the matter, as well as how it can empower individuals to ask for what they need as well as hold partners accountable for where they may be displaying unhealthy, maladaptive thinking and behaviors.

4) Bowenian Systems Therapy — This therapy is based on the work of Murray Bowen, one of the founders of family therapy. The idea behind it is that we’re all impacted by the families in which we grow up. Looking at how two people in a couple bring their pasts into the present, seeing what their blueprint for relationship is, how certain family members were particularly impactful, the role they played in their family of origin, and understanding what was normal that they grew up with… is invaluable in couples work. When I worked in community mental health in San Diego, we used Bowenian therapy exclusively. It is uncanny how many things couples take for granted as “normal” that they saw growing up that they realize later was actually unhealthy. It is also uncanny that many of us marry someone who was very familiar to a parent we had issues with growing up. This can all be explained through family-dynamic therapy, and I find it very helpful to explore in couples work.

5) Other approaches — I also have first-level training in Gottman Therapy for couples, Neurodiversity training for couples where one or both partners has ADHD and/or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Discernment Counseling where couples are on the edge of breaking up and aren’t sure they even want to do therapy… I have read the work of Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication and refer to its model for resolving conflict often, have been trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy for high-conflict couples, and have training in Somatic Experiencing, as well as compassion and mindfulness work. As it makes sense, I bring techniques from these therapies into our work.

If you think you may be in a relationship with Antagonistic Relational Stress (ARS) — also referred to sometimes as Narcissistic Abuse — click on the link above about “1:1 Therapy” to learn how we can work together on this.

Please let me know if you have any questions about my approaches with couples. You can email me at contact@mariabertrandtherapy.com